Crazy Teen Dating Drama

Sorry! No photo today. I have been offline lately because EVERYONE is off and home for the holidays. Hubby AND the kids. But, I had fully intended to post the other day asking for advice on a teen dating issue with BG. Before I could, the whole situation snowballed and I’m left with a giant what-the-ever-loving-fuck! situation.

A little background… BG made friends with a guy a few months after school started this year. They talked for a while (at least a month if not more) before he asked her out. After the first “boyfriend” she had last year (really kind of an ass), I was cautious, but open minded. She talked about this guy a lot, which was new (she hardly said much about the first guy, which was pretty telling). The things she told me made me think this guy is genuinely a really good guy, sweet, caring, attentive. All boxes that Hubby didn’t just check for me but absolutely annihilated.

It was all positive and I felt pretty good about it, though I also felt a little worried because he showed so many similarities in personality to Hubby. I was worried because BG is only 14 and a freshman. The last thing I really want for her is to start dating a guy at 14 and that is it. I have my own issues with that concept. It can work, but it is rare. I want her to be 14 and enjoy that age. Anyway….

They had only been dating (I use that term loosely as they only see each other at school and talk through text, call and video chat) about a month when they hit their winter break at school. They both planned to give each other gifts, BG coming up with a cute idea of a picture frame with some printed photos a friend had taken of the two of them. Him? A bag full of about 15 different things that had to have added up to close to $100 worth of stuff. Just to clarify… they are both 14 and have been dating a MONTH. Okay… so, yeah. That was a bit much. Sweet, but too much. But we really didn’t make a big deal out of it even though BG isn’t a stuff kinda girl. Besides, what CAN you do once the gift has been given? She had no indication he was going to do so much.

There had been a few times where he had wanted to try and get together outside of school with BG to do something. It never worked out for one reason or another, usually that BG had other stuff going on (crazy busy time of year for her with dance). We had offered to have him over for games or a movie at least once, but he had his reasons he couldn’t come (and I have to say, those reasons felt a bit contrived and odd, but… okay). He and his mom did make it to one of BG’s Christmas programs for dance, which, again, was really kind of sweet. He even brought flowers.

One thing that had happened a couple of times since they started “dating” was that during their video chats he was prone to “introduce” BG to various family members. His mom. His grandparents. It was… just a little odd. BG felt kind of awkward about it, especially when EVERYONE just absolutely fell in love with her. Yes. My girl is beautiful (no, I’m not being biased, she gets it all the time, we hear it from strangers ALL THE TIME) and she is a sweetheart and crazy smart and funny and amazingly caring and an awesome friend. But 2 seconds in a video chat isn’t going to tell you all that. Supposedly, even his mom has said “How’d you get HER? She is beautiful!” and other kinds of over the top comments about her looks and how she is out of his league. Really?! You said that to your own kid?!

BG and I have spent lots of time talking since they started dating and things have come up that I was a little concerned about, one being that as nice as he seemed, they really didn’t have a thing in common. Even conversations between the two were never all that easy or comfortable, but I just chalked it up to being young and awkward, especially since she was content with everything. Mostly.

So… that is most of the background. The issue I’ve been knocked for a loop over was about a date. Now, I’m not one to say that kids shouldn’t date until X years of age or some arbitrary thing like that. I’m probably a bit too open to the whole dating thing. Hubby and I have joked for years that he’d be answering the door with a shotgun while I was sneaking her out the back door. I NEVER saw myself as the parent that would have to put their foot down and actually say “No, that really isn’t appropriate”, but that was because I really couldn’t fathom another parent being okay with… well…

He initially asked her to go on a date. Fine. What, when, where, who. Dinner and ice skating. Okay. Will your mom be there? (she is a single mom BTW, only a boyfriend in the picture, which isn’t a problem for me… normally) Well, mom was going to drop them off for dinner. At a high end steak restaurant. Then take them to an ice rink downtown, again, potentially leaving them to go to another thing blocks away. EH… NOPE. 14? Dating 1 month? Giant cup of nope.

And the nope isn’t just me. BG is incredibly uncomfortable with that. She isn’t a fancy kinda girl. She isn’t a steak kinda girl. Give her buffalo wings or Taco Bell and she is in heaven. Also, the whole leaving them alone would make her break out in hives or vomit. Literally as she doesn’t stress or deal with anxiety all that well and these would have sent her over. He KNOWS this as it is something they have actually talked about.

We talked about nixing the dinner and just sticking with the skating. It is a nice step into the dating pool, either as a first date with this guy or her first date EVER, which it is. There were still several problems with that. One, downtown and unsupervised? Hell no. For me or BG. Second, she has been sick and is still not entirely over her cold and this rink is outdoors. There is a rink that is less than 10 minutes from our house that is indoors that would have been a much better choice.

This is where I was thinking I needed some advice. Was I being stupid and overcautious about the trip? She would have been 30-45 minutes away depending on traffic. At this point, I wasn’t comfortable that the mom wouldn’t say she would stay and not take off. Any parent that thought it was no problem to take 14 year olds to a high end restaurant and leave them there isn’t really thinking like much of a responsible adult in my opinion. Combining that with BG never having done anything at all like this and her comfort level, I was really torn. She kind of wanted to go skating, but wasn’t sure she felt up to it. She did want to hang out with him, though, so we weren’t sure what the best solution was.

Hubby and I talked and decided to just invite him here for some games and to hang out. We don’t really know the kid other than what BG has told us. WE would be supervising (and this is one of my issues that I have major problems with because of my own history at 14). It would be inside. Problem solved, right?

Apparently not. First we got a response that part of the deal was that his mom wanted to hang out with BG. Um… she is dating him, not his mom. Then his mom had to think about it because, and I quote, his mom was “furious” that BG said no to the skating because he was willing to pay for it and BG loved skating. Oh hell no! One, and minor in the grand scheme of things… BG never once said that she loved skating. He somehow got that from her telling him she had fun the one time she went on a school trip with her friends. Second, the girl has been SICK! And you are “furious” she said no to something that could make her feel worse?!

Finally, and most importantly… where in the ever loving hell does ANYONE get off being “furious” for someone saying NO?! Period. No matter the reason. Uh, uh. Not fucking happening. What in the hell are you teaching that boy? It is NEVER okay to get upset when someone says no. You want to talk about “furious”, let’s just go there, shall we?

All of this came out at like 10pm last night and they were supposed to be getting together today. BG was upset and felt insanely uncomfortable about the whole thing, Hubby and I were both really pissed at the attitude and response. We all spent some time talking about and BG decided, for herself as we were still willing to try to compromise if it was what she wanted, to just scrap plans and maybe do something some other time and let him know that. We then spent hours just sitting around and talking about the whole thing and how seriously screwed up, weird and downright bizarre the whole thing ended up. I don’t think we made it to bed until nearly 2am.

The situation with the mom is crazy as far as I’m concerned. In this whole thing, I’ve been asking “Where is the adult in the room saying that this really isn’t appropriate for 14 year olds that have only been dating a month?” They both have acted like these kids are in their 20’s and he is planning a frickin’ proposal. This isn’t a first date. It especially isn’t one for kids. As open minded as I have always been, as much as I have experienced in my life, which I recognize is way more than a lot of people in these circumstances (ie dating at that age), I didn’t think I’d be the one that would have to be the reasonable, rational adult.

It was all so much and so over the top crazy that it has left a bad taste for BG. So much so that she is seriously thinking this is actually too much for her and this “relationship” and is most likely going to break up with him (so not looking forward to the fall out of that). That pisses me off because she is now probably going to back off entirely from dating and she will now be totally gun shy about doing it again. I don’t think that she is actually ready emotionally, so on that level that is fine. I just don’t want it to prevent her from doing so when she IS finally ready.

And I’m questioning whether I’ve become hypocritical, that I’m overreacting, at least to parts of this, not the end reaction. That was straight up bullshit. But the other parts. Was it too cautious of me to balk at letting her go skating unsupervised? Yes, her health was part of that, but I was really uncomfortable with the idea of her being alone with him outside downtown. The area isn’t bad, but it isn’t exactly safe either. Am I letting my negative personal experiences color my reactions? I’m not very trusting. I know this. I am cautious and careful, but am I too cautious? I do not want to ever see my daughter, or my son for that matter, have such an ugly experience in her life if I can help it. Is that worry and fear playing too big of a part in shaping how I deal with these situations?

What a mess. Teen drama, folks. Loads of laughter and fun.

Author: TJ Fox

Slightly sane artist, book addict, wife and mom who is forever rethinking her place in this world.

10 thoughts on “Crazy Teen Dating Drama”

  1. Hi I am Meraz funny name isn’t it? I am currently in high school I am a Junior and I was hoping you could give me some pointers about toxic relationships. I have been in a couple and I would like to help anyone in need and maybe we could share ideas. My blogs are new and need some work but I’ll get there someday! Thank you.

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    1. I am far from an expert on the subject. Yes, I have lived through several throughout my life, but every single one is a little different. Basically, a toxic relationship has a couple of markers. If it is drastically unbalanced, as in one person is always the one to give/compromise/do/make the effort and the other doesn’t, it is toxic. If you are ever made to feel less than, it is most likely toxic. Healthy relationships should always make you feel good about yourself and your relationship. They should be about a healthy balance between those in the relationship (in all things, even though the degree of balance swings, it should still balance out over time).

      Most healthy relationships start with a solid belief that you deserve to be treated well and so does everyone in that relationship. That no one is better or less than another. That you are equals and partners. The second you let that belief/standard slip is the moment that relationship is no longer completely healthy and it is time to rethink it.

      Again, these are just my experiences and are not the end all be all. Listen to your subconscious as a lot of times it will be telling you when something is off. We have those for a reason, so don’t ignore it. Hope that helps.

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  2. My daughter just turned 15 a couple of months ago and she does not date. Luckily for me, she has not gotten to that point yet. She has been focusing more on here education and plans for her future. She understands how critical it is right now to focus. We have had many conversations about boys and how they can cause her to lose focus.

    I agree with Amanda. All boys at that age think about only one thing. It doesn’t sound like he is serious about her in not taking how she feels into consideration, and his mother is another story. If your daughter chooses to date him, I would have him over for games or a movie like you had originally planned. This way you can get to know him to find out what type of individual he is.

    Just remember, a mother can never be too cautious when it comes to her daughter.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. BG is in this weird place maturity wise. She is crazy mature in some areas for her age and has a really solid head on her shoulders, especially when it comes to her education. I’m trying to let her decide what she wants and what she is ready for, but I just don’t think she is quite there on maturity when it comes to dating. My Hubby and I are on different ends of the spectrum in that. I was a VERY early bloomer and “dated” or had “boyfriends” as early as 5th grade, but I don’t know how great that actually was for me in the end. He didn’t date until he was out of college which had it’s own issues for him. Both of my kids fall in the middle of our experiences so it is difficult from a parenting perspective on how to help them or direct them.

      I guess one of the things about this whole situation that has kind of blown my mind is that I really kind of felt that most parents would have sort of a common ideal as to what is and isn’t appropriate for kids this age, with me being on the more accepting/open end of things, not the conservative end. This kid’s mom has completely obliterated that thinking.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think that kids need to be of a certain maturity level for dating, but don’t forget that boys mature much later than girls do. And if the girl is more mature than the boy is when they start dating, it only adds to the frustration of keeping the relationship together, and that in itself is a lot to deal with for a young girl who is currently trying to find her place in this world.

        I too have an open mind, but my daughter has made her own decisions thus far when it comes to boys. She has been approached by two boys already who have told her they like her and want to date her. Each time she has told me, I would ask her how she feels about them and she would tell me that she doesn’t have the same feelings for them and lets them know. Because of this, I know she is not ready. However, if the opposite should occur, I would not let them be anywhere alone together and my rules would then come into play.

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      2. I’m pretty much the same. I don’t think they should be alone at this stage and that is why I’m so utterly floored that his mom was so okay with it. I still can’t quite wrap my brain around her attitude and behavior.

        I think that BG is at that point where she really likes the idea of dating someone, but for her, it really is about just a friendship more than anything else. The hand holding is okay, but anything else and she is still kind of “ew!” over. She kind of figured that out for sure when this guy gave her a small peck on the lips at school.

        With her, I think that my biggest concern will always be that she is too nice and a people pleaser and will be too willing to do something she isn’t comfortable with just because the other person wants to do it (this applies to all kinds of scenarios). We have had lots of talks about it (she is amazing about talking to me about all of this stuff, so that is a huge relief) and she does understand, but what she knows in her head isn’t always easy to practice when you are in the situation. She abhors conflict which makes that even worse.

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      3. I believe his mother’s behavior is that way because he is a boy, which for her means she doesn’t have anything to worry about. Little does she know, if he gets out of control, she will have something to worry about. She sounds like a parent who has no clue whatsoever.

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  3. We all know he just wants to get in her pants so I’d encourage her to just focus on her education and dance. She sounds like an outstanding young woman and honestly, if she really is as beautiful and naiive as you say, I’d try to keep the boys away for as long as possible.

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    1. She isn’t naive exactly as I’ve been really open and honest with both my kids about pretty much everything. It is more she just isn’t comfortable and isn’t at the point really of wanting to be hard core dating. Which is where she should be for a 14 year old. I also don’t want her to ever feel like her looks are a curse or a negative thing. It is a fine line that I haven’t quite found yet.

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