My Heart Hurts

Getting a visit from the police because they are attempting to do a welfare check on OC broke my heart even more today.

The visit told me much about the life he is choosing to live. The first, is that he had a good place to work if the people cared enough to call the police when he failed to show or even call when he missed several days. The other is that he seems to be doing everything he can to burn his life down from the ground up.

Hearing that his work hadn’t seen or heard from him for days dropped the bottom right out of my stomach and sent my brain spinning in all kinds of ugly directions, going straight to all the things that could have happened. Hubby wasn’t home at the time as he had run out to grab us dinner. Initially the police weren’t very clear as to what happened and what was going on and I was extremely concerned and confused, but once Hubby got home, a few things became clear.

They had gotten the call from his work, attempted to call the numbers that the work had and all were no longer in service. They even went to his apartment, managed to gain entrance and he wasn’t there. Hubby looked at the few online accounts we knew about and found something he had posted within the last day, so we know he is probably okay. He just up and decided to not go to work and didn’t bother to actually call them about it either.

It was beyond disturbing.  Both the visit from the police, because there is almost never a good reason for those kinds of things, and seeing yet more evidence that my child refuses to actually ever think through his actions and is continuing to make some pretty damn awful choices.

At one point, I genuinely believed that all of this could only end one way. That we’d find out that he had died. I thought he had finally brought down my worst fears with his reckless behavior and online activity, that some whackjob had found him and killed him. Either that, or he had managed to kill himself.

He has screwed his job over, for no obvious reason, even though it looks like it was possibly a really good job for him and he had people there that cared. The number we had for him no longer works. From what I could tell from the police, no one knows where he is or why he didn’t show or wasn’t at his apartment.

I hurt for so many reasons, but mostly because he just cannot force himself to make decisions that don’t harm him in some way and there isn’t a damn thing I can do to change that.

Author: TJ Fox

Slightly sane artist, book addict, wife and mother of 3 who is forever rethinking her place in this world.

5 thoughts on “My Heart Hurts”

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