Cutting Deeper

I’m learning through the repeated ripping open of old wounds that when you cut toxic relationships from your life, for whatever reason, and no matter who that person is, it is sometimes never over.

There is loss. There is grief. But, you have only chosen to remove them from your life. They haven’t died. They are still out there living their life. This becomes about ten times more true when that person is your own child. It does not matter if that child actually doesn’t want to have a thing to do with you. If they followed through on that wish, life would be easier and the pain would eventually fade, wounds would heal. We don’t always get to choose, though.

The last I heard anything was back around in October when we had the issue of health insurance come up. When he said he wanted nothing to do with us, we made some tough choices as parents and attempted to keep moving. One was to let go of the one avenue we had of knowing even a tiny bit of what was going on, checking one of his online accounts for post. It hurt to see some things. It was upsetting and frustrating, but it was completely and utterly out of our control, so we needed to just let it go.

For me, I just couldn’t handle the constant stress and worry. For Hubby, he needed to let it go because he clings to things and has to talk about them over and over. For both of our sakes, we needed to step away from that. After we did, we started to find some peace.

A discussion a few weeks ago where MC brought up a past situation involving OC, pushed some of that to the forefront again. I wondered out loud to Hubby after, if we should check in. Just to see. As a parent, I’m thinking that I would like to know if my child is even still alive. That seems extreme, but it is the flat out truth. It is my reality. I didn’t actually expect Hubby to look. He did. He told me what he found and I was just in shock and appalled. I’ve always known that pretty much nothing would surprise me when it came to OC and what he chose to do. It shouldn’t surprise me. Based on some of the things he has done in the past, it really shouldn’t, but I still was. After yet another long discussion, we agreed. Not again. I can’t see it. I don’t want to know anymore.

Because life is like that, last night Hubby gets… you guessed it… a text from OC. Not because he wants anything to do with us, but because he needs money. At this point, it is money that is his, he just doesn’t know how to get it and wanted Hubby to tell him what he needed to do. He had gotten the easy to access part of that money back in May of last year, but apparently he already blew through that. Now he is wanting what is left.

The whole thing is tearing me apart. I wanted to be petty and vengeful and spiteful. I wanted to tell Hubby to ignore him. I wanted him to help him. I wanted to rage and cry and fall apart. Nothing changes. I still can’t do anything that would make a difference. So, we are being mature adults the best way we can. Hubby is going to tell him the basics of what he needs to do and that will be that. Once that is done and that money is gone, there is nothing left. We already thought that because we actually have nothing to do with that money, but apparently we were wrong. I’m sure there will be something else, at some point in the future, just when we think we’ve managed to get that last wound closed.

There are times I feel like I’m being heartless, but I’ve realized that there are times where you need to be if you want to have any heart left at the end of the day. There are times, like now, that I wonder if I haven’t been heartless enough. Seeing what he is currently doing in his life has confirmed on another level that, as awful as this whole mess is, I’m grateful he isn’t bringing that mess and danger and ugliness into my house with my other kids. I can see that, after more than a year gone, he hasn’t learned a thing and that he will probably never, ever change. It isn’t a surprise. That goes hand in hand with being a narcissist.

As a parent, I guess I still hoped. I still hope for him to find some happiness. That he can create a life for himself that feels good to him. But, he needs to do that without it involving us.