Need This To Stop

Dead Tree

Another piece of mail has upended me. Well, it wasn’t the piece of mail itself, but what it has led to. Another forced discussion of OC and where our boundaries lie. I could go on and on with the details, but they aren’t what really matter. In the end, we have gotten a definitive “I want nothing to do with you” from OC.

In many ways, we already knew that. Had accepted that. Having it stated bluntly and without equivocation is incredibly hard. He is still my kid, no matter the heartache he has put us through.

We are also faced with a decision I don’t know how to make. Do we continue to cover his medical insurance or not? On one hand, I want to say it is our obligation as parents to do everything we can, give him whatever safety net we can. On another, I feel so incredibly used (on top of so many, many other feelings of the same from other people). It is okay to use and take advantage of us giving him this safety net, but not want a single thing to do with us otherwise?

I am hurt, but I am also furiously angry. The take, take, take attitude has worn me down to nearly nothing. Hubby is the one that dealt directly with him, so I didn’t see this first hand. I did have to hear, yet again, the utter heartbreak in my husband’s voice as he told me, though. This amazing man that has been the only real father figure in OC’s life since he was two got one more example of how much our own child doesn’t want us. You’d think after having your heart broken by the same person so many times that there wouldn’t be anything left to break.

I want to be able to make the right choice here, but I’m afraid that my choice is going to come from that hurt and that anger. I know that I need to make the choice that I can live with, but I honestly don’t know what that is right now. The boundaries we have had to set through all of this have been based on not being responsible for OC’s choices and actions, not to enable him. With covering his insurance, does that give him just one more thing that he doesn’t have to take responsibility for?

There is also the very real possibility that OC could create a financial shit storm for us if he were to ever incur medical debt and a provider attempted to get the money from us when he doesn’t pay. Legally, we aren’t responsible, but from what we’ve seen in our research, providers will attempt to go after the policy holder for unpaid bills even if they aren’t legally the financially responsible party. If it ever came up, we would have to argue that responsibility. In the mean time, our credit suffers and we’d probably be looking at lots of legal fees to fight it.

Do we leave that door open? It wouldn’t just hurt us. It could hurt MC and BG when it comes time for them to go to college. OC has already done so much to hurt this family emotionally. We made him make choices because he was putting us at risk of physical hurt with his actions. Do we draw the line and not give him the chance to hurt us financially as well?

This is also the final tie we have left. Leaving it in place, leaves that door open for things like this to keep coming up over and over again. I don’t think I have the emotional strength to keep getting knocked around like this. I need this to stop. I need this to stop making my husband bleed every time it cuts him open. To stop cutting me open. To stop hurting. To stop making me angry.

He is the one that chose to cut us completely from his life, but we never chose to cut him completely out of ours, but it feels like that is where we have been pushed to. How the hell do you ever make that decision when it comes to your child?

Author: TJ Fox

Slightly sane artist, book addict, wife and mother of 3 who is forever rethinking her place in this world.

6 thoughts on “Need This To Stop”

  1. I have a similar situation with my adult daughter..when she was around 18 the government tried to go after us with something called the Gains Act, but for some reason they dropped it. Now she is an adult and almost 30 years later is still telling everyone she meets what a horrible person she thinks I am and they believe her without bothering to contact me to find out if the stories she tells are true. Over time I have been able to let it go, but the sad thing is that for now, the mother-daughter bond we had when she was little is gone. But I still hope that things will change and someday she will turn around. I hope the same in your case..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sadly, I don’t believe that will ever be possible for me. I do not believe that narcissists are capable of changing since they cannot admit that a change is needed in the first place.

      Liked by 1 person

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