It has been over two weeks since years of frustration blew up all over the place. I’ve spent a lot of that time combing through memories of various events and their impact on my life, talking with Hubby about everything and discussing where we go from here. I’ve also been sorting through my feelings about the fact that not a single member of my family has yet to make the effort to contact me.
It is hard and excruciatingly painful to wade through it all and make choices that I never thought I would ever have to make or want to make, but that is where I’m at. That is reality. In the end, I’m choosing the path of happiness and joy over the constant ugliness and pain that I’ve dealt with for years. At this point, I cannot see anyone in my family being able to say or do anything that will make me feel that it is okay to expose myself to any of that again, so that means no more family get togethers, even for holidays. No phone calls. No texts. Basically, zero interaction at all with my family.
I’m not saying never and setting it in stone, just that I can’t see it right now. Right now I need to focus on doing what is right for me and what is right for my kids. I need to teach them that it is okay to walk away from people that harm us in any way, even if they happen to be related. I need to teach them that how they feel about themselves is so much more important than how anyone else feels about them.
One of the many things that Hubby and I discussed was the impact on our kids and if this is truly the right decision for all of us. I was worried that taking away a huge chunk of their family would do irreparable damage to them and hurt them, but I had to weigh that against the damage that would be caused by continuing on the path we had been on. I was still worried about the hurt, so it was hard to sit down and talk to them to explain. My kids showed how amazing they are in accepting it all and letting me know they understood and that it was okay. They had seen a lot of the reasons for our decision going on, so apparently it wasn’t as hard for them as I feared, which just makes me feel even more strongly about this decision.
Things are going to be very different in our lives. As sad as I am about it all, I’ve realized that it isn’t the loss of the actual people that is what is making me so sad. It is the loss of the dream of what I hoped my family could be that hurts the worst. I’m trying to see it as a good thing, though. Now, I can put more of my focus and energy into being the kind of mom that I wanted and needed and never had and to, hopefully, teach my kids how to be the kind of family to each other that they can always count on and love being a part of.